I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
this hospital has no fireball
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
