so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
