We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
