Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
