drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
