____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
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