Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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