this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
