You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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