I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
