Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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