My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
