i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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