I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
