I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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