Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
