Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
