We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
