She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
