I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
