i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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