Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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