What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
