Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
