i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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