My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
