oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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