Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
