my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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