Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
