im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
