I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
