I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
