I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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