WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
