I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
