Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
