Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
