She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
