My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
