i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
