Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
