Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
