me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
