from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
