Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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