so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
