It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
