based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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