I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
