We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I stole a fireplace last night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
