why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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