i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
